OOP: ORDER OF PEACE- An ongoing journal documenting the release of trauma.
OOP (ORDER OF PEACE), is the beginning stages of journaling the release of trauma. The drawings are free of critical thinking. Only after I return to them later, with new insight, do I look at them subjectively, and objectively. Sometimes reworking them, if ever so slightly, or not. Enhancing a once subconscious thought, bringing it to significance. I allow and invite the mediums influence on the pages that precede, and follow, the current entry. Embracing the marks or simply dealing and working with them. I akin this to accepting both history and the future, coming to terms, and finding peace. I rarely erase, tear out, or destroy an entry. I bravely turn the page.
Preparing for the Order Of Protection, and ongoing case due to the perpetrator’s intentional absence from hearings and purposeful delays, has me reading countless emails and screen shots of volatile text messages from the perpetrator in order to prepare for his ongoing control of the courts. Sadly, he is manipulating the authorities as he once did me. No longer in his control I am able to speak truth and exhibit facts to prove he is unstable, calculating and violent. He is a narcissist who made the choice to abuse me. These text drawings represent my experience of working through the trauma and triggers in reaction to revisiting these messages where he begs me to come back, promising to change, seek counseling for his abusive behavior, calls me racist if I demand he leave me alone, don’t return to, or communicate with him, makes threats to make me famous with intimate images, conduct an outreach and pulls his child into the equation by noting she’ll be without a father should he be incarcerated. Unfortunately he continues with all of these “cards” as he struggles to buy time. Time to hide, as he evades the authorities, and time to make attempts to destroy my character. These journal entries are ladened with anger, fear, and remorse, while embodying and embracing a survivor's experience of intimate partner violence and narcissistic abuse. It’s part of healing.
Thursday July 1st, 2020 11:22 am
Hell Is Where Your Heart Is
I’ve been assigned to write
about how you attempt to continue
the depletion of me
as if I were still
But what you do not know
is your aim at my spirit
is fuel for my
You continue to be the match
that thrives to destroy
but now your madness ignites
Burning down the walls
that you hide behind- frantically
Running from the truth must be
Where you feel at home.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing narcissistic abuse, there is help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recognizes narcissistic abuse and trauma and is available 24/7 in more than 200 languages. Call 1-800-799-7233 to talk with an advocate.
"Defined by emotional volatility, a lack of empathy, and delusions of superiority and entitlement, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is linked with interpersonal exploitation, rage, and aggression, most often directed at family members. Making matters worse, narcissists compulsively deny their behavior and project it onto the people they hurt, and they frequently cultivate a likable or even do-gooder public persona that belies their ongoing abuses behind closed doors."
“Adults can’t just leave the situation.
Leaving an abuser, especially a highly manipulative and vengeful narcissist, is rarely easy to do. Partners of narcissists, particularly women, are frequently isolated from friends and family, drained of financial resources, and bullied into compliance with threats of assault, withdrawal of support, loss of child custody, and homelessness.”